Body Count is More Than Just a Number

My house is packed full of tax deductions aged 8 to 24.  Admittedly, I can’t deduct the oldest any longer as he’s gainfully employed, but our home is a busy place nonetheless. One of the brilliant yet taxing (see what I did there) things about having this many humans under one roof is the wide array of conversation topics that occur on the daily, often led by a question from one of 7 loin fruit. 

“Mom, what color do I smell like?”

“If when you die, you had to fight one of every animal that you’d ever eaten, which one would be the hardest to fight?”

“Ms. Jessica, if we took all of Nimbus’ kitten feet and put them together, what size human shoe would he wear?”

Clever, but confounding questions that spark debate, critical thinking, and connection.  I love it.  But what I love more and am more challenged by are the big life questions that I’m asked as their child worlds expand into complex and varied adult worlds.

Recently, one of my older kids asked me in a private moment, “Mom, what’s the best way to ask someone what their body count is?”  A genuine question from a young adult pondering the possibilities and landmines of new uncertain territory. This was a stop and pay attention moment for me.

“Well,” I started, buying time to focus my rapidly swirling brain on the right answer, “I guess that depends on why you want to know that piece of information.”  Blank stare from inquiring human. He responded, “Isn’t that important information to know when you are in a relationship with someone, you know, before you have sex.”

My response surprised him. “Not at all. In my opinion that’s one of the least important questions to ask.”

What will knowing that number tell you about the person that you are attracted to and thinking about a sexual relationship with?

• Will it tell you if they value sex the same way that you do? Nope.  If you want to know that, talk with them about your values around sex and relationships and ask them about theirs. If they are looking for a committed, monogamous sexual relationship and you are looking for a causal sexual release for the evening, there’s nothing wrong with either of those, they just don’t mesh well together.  But you don’t know if all you ask for is a number.  So ask instead, “What are you looking for in a sexual relationship and a sexual partner?”

• Will it tell you if they are still emotionally invested in an ex? Nope.  A conversation about how they left their previous relationships and how they feel about their ex or exs WILL tell you that though.  It will also tell you whether they are emotionally available to you as a partner, and that’s what you really need to know before you invest in them. So ask instead, “Are you hung up on an ex or have you moved on and are ready for a new relationship?”

• Will it tell you if they have a clean bill of health? Nope. Number of sexual partners is not an indicator of health status. Someone with no past sexual history can still have a disease that can be passed through sexual contact (hep B for example). Someone with multiple past sex partners can be illness/disease free. So ask instead, “Are there any health issues that I need to be aware of?” or “Can we share recent test results before we have sex?” Or make that a beginning of relationship bonding activity and visit a PCP or clinic together then open the results emails like you are on the Maury show, “you ARE negative!” (Young people ask your parents to explain the reference).

• Will it tell you what they like or don’t like about sex? Nope. The only way to know that is by having an honest conversation about what their (and your) sexual expectations are.  These expectations can be based on experience, desire, or curiosity.  And you can hone or expand your expectations together if you choose to start a sexual relationship.  So ask instead, “Can we talk about what we want and hope for in our sexual relationship?” or “I’d love to hear what you like, don’t like, want to try, or want to avoid when we have sex.”

• Will it tell you whether they have any past sexual trauma that needs to be considered in your sexual relationship with them.  Nope. They may not have thought of this themselves or are not ready to talk about it with you, but asking the question shows that you care about them as a person, not just a sex partner, and you want to be empathetic of their life experiences (and empathy is sexy AF). So ask instead, “Have you had any trauma (sexual or otherwise) that you’d like me to know about before we become sexual with each other?”

These questions are all assuming that you are heading off toward a sexual relationship with someone that’s willing to have open honest conversations with you about sex and life and values and who they are and who you are.  These are not pre-reqs for sex, but it makes the field less landmine-y if it’s an option.

What none of these questions has in them is inherent judgement, just open invitations for conversation, critical thinking, and connection. Asking someone “what is your body count” ends the question, not with a question mark, but with a judgement and invites dishonesty.  There is no right answer to a wrong question.  The asking is itself less an inquiry and more a statement to your potential partner that if your number is wrong, too high, too low, or just not what I think it “should” be then your value changes in my eyes and no relationship is strengthened by that judgement.  So ask deeper, better questions about what you REALLY want to know, who they are and how they and you fit together, and those answers will never be just a number.  

And to answer the other questions, “orange, like sunshine and sweaty, happy boy”, “bison.”, and “toddler size 6”.  Sometimes a number is the right answer, like a kitten's shoe size.